To All The Women Who Are Mothers

The following is a post that I wrote as a favor to a friend, who is a contributing blogger on the website www.newbymom.com
In honor of Mother's Day and all of the amazing mothers out there, I decided to post it to my own blog, as it discusses what it means to be a Mama in Rwanda. Enjoy!

Just over 5 months ago, I left my loving family and comfortable lifestyle and moved to Rwanda. I arrived without any expectations, hopes, or notions of grandeur. I assumed that I would learn a lot about myself, a bit about the culture, and other random tidbits of knowledge along the way, but I never imagined that I would be exposed to so many lessons each and every day; specifically lessons about family, love, and the role of the Mama. I live in a Youth Village in rural Rwanda, which is a model learning and living environment for 500 of the country’s most vulnerable and orphaned 15-22 year old kids. Each entering student is immediately assigned to a family of 16 students (brothers or sisters, depending on sex), complete with a big brother/sister, an international long-term volunteer who serves the role of cousin, and a Mama. The Mamas in the Village have families of their own outside of the Village, and many of them have already raised their fare-share of children. They have each chosen to sign on for a 4+ year contract to raise 16 more children, parent them, love them, and teach them all the precious life lessons and values that every child in this world needs. For many of the students, this family structure is the first that they have known, and the safety, security, and stability it provides is the first building block in helping the students heal from the break in their past. All of the students are traumatized from one degree to another, and each has a past from which they need to heal. The Youth Village provides an environment whereby they can first focus on healing themselves, all while working on restoring the rhythm of life, then focus on healing the world. Although there are 32 separate and distinct families in the Village, as a whole, the Youth Village is a family in its own right and everyone teaches and learns from each other. Everyone in the Village has a role when it comes to raising and teaching the kids who live here - even the security guards, the cooks, and the maintenance men.

What does it mean to be a Mama in Rwanda? In a country still healing from an ethnic divide that caused a genocide against the Tutsi just over 18 years ago, being a Mama goes well beyond blood lines and crosses over into what it means to be Rwandan. In 1994, after 100 days of violence, estimates tell that 1 million people were killed, and nearly 300,000 orphaned children were left to fend for themselves. Traditional nuclear families were destroyed in a matter of minutes, and the familial structure that is so familiar to so many of us no longer existed. The entire landscape of the country changed in less than 4 months, and instantly Rwanda was faced with a daunting challenge. Who was going to take ownership of the orphaned children and devise a plan to parent them, raise them, teach them, and create responsible citizens?

Being a Mama in Rwanda means doing what you would hope others would do for your children if you were unable to care for them yourself. It means not faulting the children for their parents’ shortcomings or faults, looking beyond the past and focusing on the present and the future. It means providing the most basic needs (food, clothing, shelter, love) to those most vulnerable and in need, loving them as though you birthed them, and calling them your children while allowing them to call you mommy. It means taking in children off the street, paying to educate children who are not your own, and serving as a parent even when you have 9 of your own children to feed, house, and love. In speaking with Rwandans, I have heard time and time again that it is a Rwandan belief that all the children in Rwanda belong to the Rwandan people and therefore they are everyone’s responsibility. When so many countries turned their backs on Rwanda when the country cried out for help, the citizens learned to depend on one another and take care of one another. They learned not to depend on others because that assistance may never come to fruition. The children are the future of this developing country, and without a systemic plan in place to care about, educate, and provide for the children, there is no hope for a positive, progressive, and developing future for the country.

A dear friend of mine said to me a few months ago that it looks like I beat her to being a mother, as it seems that I am "mothering" many Rwandan children in my role here in the Village. Although I don't feel like a mother per se, I have to admit that it is so rewarding to be a part of so many children's healing process, growth, and development. It goes above and beyond any hopes that I had for my role in the Village, and it fills me with joy each and every day.

To all of the Mothers out there, in Rwanda and beyond, THANK YOU for all that you do!

Shifting the Mood Through a Fresh Perspective

This week will mark my 5th month living in Rwanda. In exchange for 4+ months of service, I was awarded time away, so I spent 1 week traveling throughout Rwanda with a dear friend from home, and 2 weeks out of the country entirely. I have to honestly admit that I was ready to fly away and get a fresh perspective (and a hot shower), so the time away was a welcome change. I think it is so important to step away from our place in this world every now and again in order to recharge and reawaken our senses. We all have a tendency to become a bit stagnant when we are idle for too long, especially when we are so absorbed in our own community. My post in Rwanda is unique in that I live, play, and work in the same small community, so I am not often awarded the opportunity to step out of my little bubble.
While away, I really focused on thinking about the following:

• What are my sources of strength?
• What are my sources of inspiration?
• What are my sources of satisfaction?

The past few months have awarded me with an incredible gift of time. I have time to sit and reflect, to think, to analyze, and to dream. I have finally been able to slow my life down and really try to be present and live in the moment. Although life in Rwanda is filled with many challenges, both new and familiar from past experiences and relationships, I really want to come to appreciate and enjoy the environment I am in for the time being. We all face hardships and frustrations no matter where we are, but we are also surrounded by positivity and wonderful opportunities for change and improvement. My time away helped me not only appreciate what existed outside my bubble, but also helped me reorient my negative feelings toward certain aspects in Rwanda and re-frame them as opportunities for improvement, and opportunities for learning.

My first week out of the country was spent in Scotland with my beloved parents. Although an occasional Skype conversation or the near-daily phone conversations keep us connected, nothing soothes the heart like a physical hug, and nothing convinces mom and dad that I am not starving to death or rotting from mosquito bites (as you can see in the silly picture to the left, I am not) like seeing me face-to-face. This trip was so multi-faceted - it gave the 3 of us the opportunity to drive nearly 1300 miles together and see the many parts of the exceptionally beautiful country, while allowing us to enjoy each others company and have a few hearty laughs along the way. I felt like we had our first few moments of joy since my brother's death, and those segments felt so refreshing and helped my heart remember what it feels like to feel something positive.

My second week away was spent in Israel. Although I was raised Jewish, I am the first in my family to travel to Israel, and that in itself made the trip special. Predominantly, I went to attend the mid-year seminar for all of the JSC Fellows, sponsored by the Joint Distribution Committee, the organization which funds my position in Rwanda. Above all, the most amazing part of the seminar was meeting the other Fellows, hearing about their experiences (positive and challenging), and having amazing conversations about our posts around the world. Although we are so isolated in so many ways, with respect to physical location, specific roles and responsibilities, etc., we are also so very interconnected with one another, which is quite comforting. Over the course of 4 days, I made amazing connections with people and picked up invaluable insight and wisdom which will undoubtedly help me throughout the remainder of my post, as well as through the years ahead. A segment that I found interesting, as it intertwines with my reasons for taking a year away to live in Rwanda, and which I would like to share is the following about INDIVIDUAL SUSTAINABILITY.
The notion is to maintain the balance, pacing, and efficiency of our energy to sustain us over our lifetime of service. Areas of focus include:

• general health
• spiritual sense of being (personal grounding)
• heart and emotions
• sense of place

Balance has always been something I have struggled with, and is something that I have fervently worked on for the past 4+ years, so this particular topic and discussion was important for me, as it reminded me of the importance of not getting lost in any one aspect of my life. It reminded me that the recipe for success and happiness is to truly listen to myself internally and to be in touch with what my mind, body, and spirit tell me.

Other take-aways from the seminar, (which can help all of us) include:

• the idea of focusing on personal and professional strengths, and seeing how each of us can move them from good to great
• keeping in mind that words create worlds
• remembering that what we study grows
  
• reminding ourselves that negativity breeds negativity, so there is a need to always be cognizant of the energy that surrounds us

All of the lessons circle back conveniently to the three bullets that I wanted to focus on while I was away - the idea of strength, inspiration, and satisfaction. These are the driving forces behind how and why I live my life.

One final note - While in Israel, I also had the amazing opportunity to meet with Ralph Goldman, Honorary Executive VP of the Joint Distribution Committee. When it came time to ask the nearly-100 year old man questions, one stood out to me. I asked Mr. Goldman to share the best piece of advice he has ever received. I will finish this post by sharing his piece of advice, which I believe can live within each of us. After a bit of a diatribe and references to his time as Ben-Gurion's (Israel's first Prime Minister) right-hand man, he told me that he has always tried to learn from everyone he has encountered, but that the following still resonates with him,

Decide what your role is and work toward that, but do the exception to the rule once in a while to remind yourself that you are alive.

leave this world better than how you found it

My brother Kurt was a brilliant research scientist who lived life full-force, without regret, and without hesitation. He seized every opportunity to do all he could to make a positive difference in his life, and positively impact those he loved, as well as those he had yet to meet. He was the perfect combination of strength and bravery, mixed with love and emotion. He was a mama’s boy in the best way possible, a guy’s guy, his wife’s best friend, and his sister’s fearless protector. He was what so many twice his age have yet to achieve. He was balanced and level-headed, a harder worker than anyone I have ever met, and a man who loved with all of his heart and soul. He lived his life well, full of passion, and lived it to the fullest. He lived his life right, and when it came time for his life to end, it ended by him being who he was - an athletic outdoor enthusiast.

I am publishing this post on what would have been my brother Kurt’s 34^th birthday. For those close to him, there will always be a hollow cavity of emptiness that can never be filled now that we live in a world without him. One of his mentors whom I have built a friendship with said to me the other day that he sees that I have come to terms with acknowledging that void in the way that I am “making transformative changes in my own life, that in turn are making measurable differences for others.” He went on to say that he can “hardly think of a better or more appropriate way to ensure that all of the good things that Kurt embodied continue to influence the world in a positive way,” in reference to the work I am currently doing in Rwanda. Kurt left the world far too early - nobody should be deprived of reaching the age of 34, but I have to agree with his mentor that when Kurt left this world, it was a little bit better than how he found it. His mentor said that, “too many people who live many more years than Kurt did, cannot make the same claim.” Kurt made this world better through the work he did, and because of the person he was. His mentor acknowledged that now, inspired by that, I am most certainly doing the same.

The point of this post is simple – each of us needs to be cognizant of our ability to positively impact the world around us. Inspired by the messages conveyed to me in my exchange with Kurt’s mentor, coupled with the some of the inspiration that I have found here in Rwanda, I realize that each of us has the opportunity to make this world better than when we found it. To take that sentiment a step further, I would dare to say that not only do we have the opportunity, but each of us has an obligation to make this world better. Each of us has a certain immeasurable power, a talent, the ability to inspire, and the means to make a positive impact. If we use our gifts wisely, as a collective whole, we can have a considerable influence. Think of the ripple effect and how even just one small gesture, one small act of kindness can have a monumental effect on an individual, a group, a community, etc. It is amazing how a smile can brighten the darkest of days, how a soft touch on someone’s arm can convey that you truly care about them, and how an uncomplicated “hello” can make someone not feel so invisible. Small actions yield large dividends. In the Rwandan culture, it is considered rude to walk by someone and not acknowledge them. It does not have to be a complex conversational exchange, but a simple “muraho,” or “mwaramutse” will do just fine. The point is to acknowledge one another’s presence and existence in this world. In addition to acknowledging peoples’ presence around you, I also urge you to recognize your feelings and express them to those you hold near and dear to your heart. You have likely heard it time and time before, but if you love someone, don’t hesitate to tell them. Never be too busy, too preoccupied, or too rushed to get off the phone – speak up! A few years ago I started telling my brother that I loved him every time we spoke on the phone. Being the proud, strong man that he was, he always sort of scoffed at my silly exchange of words, but never failed to say, “I love you too, Boo.” Maybe somewhere in my capricious mind I knew that there would only be so many chances to tell Kurt “I love you,” I don’t know, but I have to say that I sure am glad I told him when I had the chance. Each time you have the opportunity to make a small, positive impact on this world through action or word, do not hesitate – do it, and do it with full gusto, full of life, full of passion, and full of meaning. Don’t waste your life, don’t waste the moments, don’t waste your love.

This week in my Village in Rwanda, the first year students chose inspirational people, after which their houses will be named. It is quite a process, involving many hours of research, debate, and discussion. Everyone from Steve Jobs to Mother Theresa to Dr. Livingstone was discussed. One of the boys who is quite close to me asked what I would name my house, and who my inspirational figure would be. Without hesitation, I said my brother Kurt.

I have always looked up to my big brothers and fought to achieve even a slice of their success in life, which for the Frankel boys, is plentiful. In a family full of direct, goal-oriented brothers, I am the whimsical, free spirited sister who has always chosen to take the path less traveled, and has regularly opted to create my own path through the jungle. To think that I am even coming close to impacting the world in a similar manner to the many ways Kurt influenced his world, is breathtaking. He is my inspiration, and if you are searching for someone to emulate, someone to motivate you and give you an incentive to make a positive difference, feel free to share my inspiration and think of Kurt.

oompa loompa feet and picking your nose

It still catches me off-guard at times when I stop and focus on the fact that I am living in Rwanda. I feel like I have been in a bit of a daze since July, and the reality of life catches me by surprise every once in awhile when I emerge from my state of bemusement each day. The process of grieving has had me at times feeling like I am floating on a cloud, and at times feeling like I am stuck in a flimsy rowboat at sea with 20 foot swells crashing down upon me. Each day is a new adventure with respect to facing my own personal challenges, learning my job and the ways of the world in the Village and in Rwanda, and adapting to a new life in a new world. This past week I started taking note of things that no longer seem odd or out of place, and I realized then that I have settled into my new life here and become accustomed to that which would be unusual/extraordinary/unheard of back in America. I decided to make a list.

You know you’ve become a “local” when the following things don't strike you as odd:

1. Seeing someone carrying a machete down the street

2. Seeing someone using a machete to cut the grass

3. Seeing bicycles used as modes of transportation for bundles of bananas and pineapples, instead of people

4. Seeing babies dangling off of the backs of mothers in the street, held on by a piece of material and nothing more

5. Seeing children play with sticks and tires as their main form of entertainment

6. Being followed by gaggles of school children any time I walk anywhere outside the confines of my Village

7. Cramming myself into a “bus” holding 19, when it was only meant to hold 14

8. Smelling the ripe smells of Rwanda and not thinking anything of it

9. Keeping my mouth shut as I shower, so as not to ingest the tap water

10. Using bottled water to clean my toothbrush each day

11. Drinking tea when I feel pangs of hunger

12. Using fresh mint, lemongrass, and sage to make my own tea

13. Seeing a spider the size of a tarantula on the wall and not uttering a ear-splitting scream

14. Realizing that after washing clothes, they aren’t really “clean,” but being content with the fact that they are cleaner than they were

15. Staying inside when it’s raining outside, just like the Rwandese do – why get wet when you can just wait it out indoors?

16. Seeing all the clothing that Americans donate worn throughout Rwanda – one man’s trash is another’s treasure, right? I’m still waiting to find a t-shirt from my own personal donation bin

17. Seeing people spit on a regular occasion – watch where you walk!

18. Seeing people (kids and adults alike) clean their noses with their fingers…catch my drift?

19. Seeing people sweeping the roads and sidewalks to keep each city and town clean and free of garbage and debris…this country is immaculate!

20. Seeing little kids carrying HEAVY jerry cans full of water for miles. I’m strong, but I could barely carry one across the Village grounds!

21. Seeing people patiently waiting in line at the local water well pump, waiting to fill their jerry cans to use at home

22. Being told “give me your number” by nearly every Rwandan man I sit next to on the bus – they don’t ask, they order

23. Seeing more goats than dogs, more cows than horses. There are actually only 4 horses in all of Rwanda, and I’ve actually seen them!

24. Seeing cows, goats, and chickens roaming freely down the roads – you better hope your bus driver has fast reflexes!

25. Sitting at a local pub, realizing that the “screams” being heard are not that of a child, but a goat getting its last sound out prior to being slaughtered out back and made into brochettes for those dining. Yes, it was an AWFUL realization!

26. Dressing in layers, knowing that although it’s really cold in the morning, it sure will heat up during the day and then drop in temperature again once the sun goes to sleep.

27. Applying sunscreen as part of a daily morning routine. It may be cloudy out, but the sun is hiding behind those clouds, cooking all those who mill about below on the ground.

28. Oompa-loompa feet - the dirt here is orange, so by the end of the day, my feet take on the look of an oompa-loompa. No worries, a good scrub in the shower brings them back to a semi-normal hue. Quite honestly, I’m not sure if I’ll ever have truly clean feet again in my life.

29. Realizing that NOTHING ever goes as planned, so letting go of control and giving up the concept of having a concrete plan is a good thing

30. White rice is delicious and a meal unto itself

*BONUS: Seeing Rwandese wear the same outfit two days in a row - who says they can't or shouldn't, right?

Things to note from the past 2 weeks:

· Rainy season is upon us in Rwanda, so the season has changed and I wish I had more cardigans with me.

· I found that when people come up to me and start screaming Kinyarwanda at me, the closest I can imitate them and make them understand what it sounds like in my head is to recite the state song to them – "Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California…" The Kinyarwanda screaming stops and the perplexed look is right on target. I don’t look Rwandan, so I’m a little dumbfounded as to why people think that I am fluent without asking me first.

· When the girls in my family were asked to describe me as part of an activity, among other things, they described me as, “brown.” I guess my freckles have joined together and I look brown to them, more so than white. Amusing :)

· Highlight: the Village Founder arrived last night and I was lucky enough to escort her into the dining hall this afternoon to see the kids for the first time this school year. Immediately, a round of applause broke out and everyone in the dining hall (all 650 people) had a look of awe on their face and a huge smile. It was a breathtaking and touching moment. One person really can change the world, one idea at a time, and Anne Heyman and this Village are prime examples of that.

· Lowlight: I often wondered what would happen if I was on a moto taxi and it started to rain – would the moto park under a tree, or find some place out of the rain to pause? Nope, I found out first-hand last weekend that the moto continues on in the rain, even as the rain intensifies and it feels as though someone is pelting you with a million paint balls at once. It is not exhilarating or fun, but it was an experience I won’t soon forget.

· I have received a few inquiries about sending mail to me. Mail is great and makes my day! For those of you interested in sending me snail mail of any size and making me smile, here is my address:

Barrett Frankel

Agahozo-Shalom Youth Village

PO Box 7299

Kigali, Rwanda

*2 things to note – 1) snail mail takes a LONG time to reach me – 3-4 weeks for an envelope, 3-4 months for a package; 2) please let me know if you do send me something so that I can have our driver check the PO Box, as he does not check it on a regular basis. Mwaramutse!